Nut Job

I am a nut job.

I am a disenfranchised nut job. I always have been. I’ve always known it in the midst of my madness and I have always chosen it despite the pain it has constantly inflicted in my life.

That alone is proof that I am nuts.

Frankly, I am tired. I have lost my sense-of-humor about it and I have just about lost interest. For a sane person, that’s like losing hope.

In defense of my insanity, it is a quixotic form of clarity that most people dare not have. Most people either eagerly, apathetically, or grudgingly admire the Emperor’s new clothes, ’cause that’s what everyone else is doing. I don’t see the new outfit, therefore I do not admire it. I have the notion that I see what is really there (when I pay attention, and I usually don’t to fat naked men) and I think everyone else is crazy.

I rank myself among other people who have been derided for their vision although I have yet to go so public as to be seriously attacked or threatened. Thus far I have only had the courage to be taken advantage of, ignored and discounted privately.

My hero Nicola Tesla was considered a fruitcake even though he brought the world electricity. He credited his myriad inventions and discoveries to visions coming to him. Google him … he thought of hundreds of things we take for granted in our present world. Edison made a career of discrediting him. His discoveries were stolen from him thanks to the public disclosure of the US Patent system. His quest and success to provide free energy to all the world was thwarted and lost as no meters can be placed upon free energy. Perhaps the most brilliant man in recent history — few today even know who Tesla is.

Something inside of me won’t let me believe that it is unwise to abandon myself to reaching my full potential, chips fall where they may. I can’t make myself believe that hurtling myself with sincerity and enthusiasm at a willingness to discover once and for all what it is that we all seem to be missing wouldn’t be received and rewarded with gratitude. But talent, intellect, courage and generosity has yielded the opposite for the majority of trailblazers of history. And if they weren’t ruined or murdered, they just died anyway, so why do I keep getting up in the morning and feeling hope? Why should it be different for me?

John Lennon’s vision for a peaceful world did not keep him from being murdered. Itzhak Bentov’s genius did not keep the commercial jet he was on in the air. Eva Cassidy’s immense talent did not bring her fame and fortune and prevent her early death from cancer. Believing in Over The Rainbow did not keep Judy Garland from giving up. A humanitarian heart and brilliance off-the-scales did not reward Nicola Tesla or prevent him from dying alone and penniless.

All of my big plans and vision and enthusiasm has not protected my heart from constant personal disappointment and the crash of the US economy. Being a good person, loving with an open heart, doing your best and always paying your bills on time does not seem to be enough. Being willing to devote your life to making a difference only makes matters worse.

Right about now I have lost my all my puff. I wrote about myself over a year ago that I was humbled and chagrinned … that I had to set my high horse free. Even such a poignant admittance as that strikes me now as arrogance. I look around me at the beauty I have worked so hard and so long to create around my life and I see the decline that I don’t have the time or money to fix. I see myself age from the stress of just life, and the unbelievable stress of gambling everything I have to make a difference instead of watching TV and complaining. I can’t ignore the ideas and vision I have and my irrepressible belief that it can be a better world. That is just how I am wired. But I can’t escape the ultimate truth that as hard as I try on the good days when I still do try, I can’t do it alone. I can’t save the world because right now, I can’t even save myself.

Having said all that, perhaps now I am a little closer to sane.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just try to have pleasant days. I will have a pleasant day today being thankful for all of my blessings … alone.

Jenifer Humming — Thanksgiving 2008